My football career came to a close at age twelve when, in the course of a perfectly legal tackle, my boot, outnumbered two to one, was viciously attacked by a classmate's testicles. As I watched him guiltily regrooming the damaged part of the pitch with a gentle rolling motion of his back, my hands instinctively raised in what I now know to be the standard international gesture for "I didn't do it...um, yes I did", I made the life-affirming decision to stick to American football, where I suffered regular heat stroke and broken bones, but never regretted my choice. This is the main difference between me and Wayne Rooney. I've got integrity.
(And I can't be the only one who thought Russell's screenshot of Oliver Kahn looked vaguely familiar.)
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